I wish I had known …
Note to Pregnant Mom who has received the "bad" news
1. Abortion is not the best option for your child
I remember going to the hospital to get the anomaly scan done at 18 weeks. As I was getting checked, I was told that my child's brain was not developing as per the normal standards. Hearing the news, I was quite unsure how to react – I was not prepared for this bombshell of a news. I had found all the scan procedures so far super boring. I usually had to wait a long time to see the doctor. Then during the scan, they would thoroughly examine every part of the baby visually and that would take a lot of time. If the baby was not in the correct position, I would have to wait again for some time and repeat the scan. My first one hadn't cooperated much during these scans. He would always be facing the wrong direction and we used to get fed up with waiting long hours. Keeping this in mind, we had decided that my husband would stay home with my very-active toddler, and I would go to the ultrasound appointments by myself. Being alone and hearing such news was hard. However, the doctor's first words of comfort to me were that I could look at other options. And to my shock the other options was really the only option she wanted to offer - Abortion.
You can debate on how much of a favour you are doing the child by not allowing him/her to enter this troublesome life on earth. Or even try to support your abortion views by saying no neurons are developed yet in the baby until 20 weeks so no pain is felt during the procedure. But the truth is, it is a scar for life. As much as you hide or try to move on in life, it will never leave you. I’ve heard of mothers who chose an abortion, thinking about the already existing normal children they had – to better invest in them. Or those who felt like they could always have normal children later. Can you be sure, young mamma, that your “normal” children will go on to live long and good lives as model citizens? Are you in control of their life span and the choices they will make in life? It is to be noted that children with special siblings do have an opportunity to learn empathy and kindness towards different kinds of people very early in life.
Also, young mamma, do you know if you will have more “normal” children?
Once you grow older and look back, these things could be a source of great regret and wonder about what might have been.
I later met a doctor who at one point in her life had tried hard to convince a friend of mine to abort because she was found to be infected with herpes during pregnancy. Undeniably, the intentions of the doctor were ‘good’. She was sure the baby would be affected and since it was my friend’s third child, she felt there was no need for an educated mother to bring such a baby into this world. She even tore the medical reports out of frustration. Yes, this same doctor, who would now be in her 70s, told me “ you have made the right and the best choice”. The only reason the response was different was that it was after 15 years. She had understood that you really don’t know all the possible outcomes. There’s a bible verse that says, “Do not judge a matter before it’s time.” When you are young, you feel you are capable of everything. You are passionate, strong willed, you think life will go as planned and imagine you are in control of it all. As you get older, your perspectives on what is more valuable in life will change – whether it is better to have an easier self-serving life or a sometimes-difficult, selfless yet rewarding life, whether to try and exert the maximum control over life’s outcomes or to let go and let God. Pray, take comfort from the Lord and make your decision.
2. Probability ratios
Probability. That was one chapter in 10th grade math which I never understood what the fuss was about. I disliked it because it was not the fact of an event. It is just a probability which means that even though there are chances of a particular outcome, there is a whole chance it may not happen so as well. And why? Is it a random chance? Or because God is in control! Yea, all your NT scans and most blood tests that are done state only the probability, not the certain reality.
Proverbs 16:33 (NLT) - We may throw the dice, but the LORD determines how they fall.
I think this verse has said it all.
Now about my NT probability ratios - my first child’s results were actually worse than my second childs, but the end result was totally the other way around. Maturity-wise my first son actually surprises me, and his milestones were earlier than the normal curve. So as far as it is possible, please don't worry over probability ratios. You are only going to waste your time fretting.
And with my second son, of whom the doctors didn't know what the outcome would be, they told me either he could have Down’s syndrome, or he could be completely normal as well. Either he could turn out like this or like that. Yea, it was all probabilities they were telling me, and the outcomes were much better than expected. And what about him now? They don't know. It's again a probability. He might walk, he might not. He might talk, he might not. Whatever it be, God has decided and numbered his days and the wisest thing I can do is let Him be in charge.
3. Exploring options won't cost you anything
Being proactive is something I heard a lot in my professional life. Honestly speaking, I never could understand what it meant or its value. But now I get it. Don't sit idle and worry. Explore options and make the best use of it. Keep your eyes and ears wide open, interact with people, find out more and never shut your head out. Though the reality of things made me withdraw into a shell, God was gracious enough to lead me to people, to give me wisdom to tell people about my son’s condition as well as to explore a lot of options for treatment. And guess what... sometimes it hurts but the best was when you discover new worlds. I got to meet so many people with similar struggles and learnt about different options for treatment and management. Have you heard of Ayurveda having treatment for autism or dyslexia, or homeopathy helping a special child learn mainstream subjects so that she could go on to have a solid career, or tribal medicine enabling children with learning disabilities become IAS officers? I have! And I know many people will have similar stories to share. Don’t assume you are at a dead end. The only warning I must give is that not everything works for everyone. You have to weigh your options, see the results, remember that it worked for some and didn't work for others , and know there are a lot of different ways of working of these treatments. Above all, pray, pray, pray and go and explore. God will lead you through wonders and you can see how God works.
4. No specific point in your lifetime is the end of everything
We often think our lives will change forever for the worse if we receive “the bad news”. That is not true, your life will not change unless you decide that it is going to. Being a person who loved to travel and explore, this news wasn't all that great because even though I had no prior experience with any such special needs children, I could imagine it was going to be taxing to do those things. But the truth is, I could still get out often and still get to do what I used to before. It is tiring at times. But much grace will be given to you. Often it is when I give up and go into my shell that everything stops. So, it is how you respond to the situation that will determine your life, not the child. So don't assume a special needs baby is the end of everything, it is the beginning of many new things - sometimes overwhelming things. But it is not the end until you say so. And don't ever say so because God is the one who says when it is!
5. Miracle Babies
I know sometimes certain cases can get really complicated. As I mentioned earlier, abortion is not the best option. As long as God has given you good health, let God determine the life of your child.
These are some Bible verses which help us realise who is in control and the maker of all babies.
Exodus 4: 10 - 12 - Moses said to the Lord, “Pardon your servant, Lord. I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue.” The Lord said to him, “Who gave human beings their mouths? Who makes them deaf or mute? Who gives them sight or makes them blind? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say.”
Proverbs 22:2 - Rich and poor have this in common: The Lord is the Maker of them all.
I personally know of a child who had many congenital heart issues and had to undergo several surgeries – she survived them and all and went on to be a child just like any other, attending classes in a regular school. I also know a baby who was born without one side of her brain. She celebrated her first birthday this April, despite the doctors saying she wouldn't even survive a week. And of course, there is my smart and naughty little child who is slowly doing what the doctors said he might never do.
We always think our baby might not make it through. But miracle babies are real, and they become miracles when you let God determine their life. And be it so. They become the greatest joy in our lives as you see many more miracles, giving meaning and beauty to life. And isn't it wonderful that God told Moses ‘Now go, I will help you’... Where you think you can't, God is there for your help - always!
6. Nope! They are not expensive
Some treatments might be expensive but as I mentioned earlier, being proactive here helps too. I discovered many NGOs and government setups which had a lot of treatments for free or lesser cost. Of course, you can't expect the same standards everywhere but it is not like the option is not there. So again, explore in this regard. Also, I think the lockdown proved to all of us that we can survive with the bare minimum and most of our wants are really not our needs. To those who don't have more children because they are ‘expensive’ - home schooling, YouTube aids, blogs, second hand books, clothes etc. are a few options that can help you cut costs. When all these resources are available to make things easier, I'll never buy the excuse that children are expensive.
So for the moms reading this, I pray God will lead to take a decision thinking of eternity. Much grace will be showered on you and as they say, “With great power comes great responsibility!”... come on supermoms!!... display God’s glory!
